Kototama: 

The belief that words carry a spiritual power, that what you say can shape reality, influence events, and affect the heart of the listener. 

How We Speak About Ourselves

What I hear: 

As an accountability coach, I’m often listening to people tell their story. How their week went, how happy they are that they pushed through something they had resistance to – like doing their taxes or setting aside time to do focused work and sticking to it. The hard conversations – business outreach, financial check-ins with a partner, or a strained relationship. 

I’m also listening to how we talk about ourselves when we don’t do the thing we want to do. And this is the voice that has become extremely sharp to my ears. I can’t say whether people are harder on themselves now than they were at the beginning of my coaching career, but I certainly notice it more. 

What surprises me: 

Over the years of coaching, one thing continues to surprise me: the words and phrases that people use about themselves. Lazy, failure, failed, screwed up, etc. in reference to whether or not they completed a commitment. 

As if we are not in a learning process together. As if pursuing goals is a matter of perfection and every week you are supposed to get everything right.  

What to do instead: 

Instead, think about neutral language. 

I didn’t complete it because… 

This week I learned… 

Next time, I’ll… 

Kototama is the idea that words carry a spiritual power, that what you say can shape your reality, influence events, and affect the heart of the listener. 

When I hear people speak about themselves in this way, the lack of self-compassion is striking. There is a deeply ingrained idea in our culture (and probably many others) that we must be hard on ourselves to be successful. That self-compassion is being too soft.  

I don’t believe that. I think what we are doing when we change our language and how we speak about ourselves we change an internal dynamic that has been acting as a barrier. When our internal dialogue shifts to a more neutral place, we get to have an experience that is more full and real, and rooted in learning.

This is where the gold nuggets live. Not in self-reproach but in self-awareness. Which is why we refer to our work as mindfulness-based accountability. We shut down when we feel bad or wrong. We remain open to information, learning, and new opportunities when we remain neutral.

We aren’t in the process to be perfect, we are here to do our most important work.

My challenge to you is to notice how you speak about yourself, especially to yourself. There is so much in that dialogue that impacts how you show up for yourself. What you complete. How you feel about it. 

The way you speak to yourself is either a barrier or a bridge. You get to choose. 

If you’d like support shifting your inner dialogue and staying accountable in a healthier way, private coaching offers a steady space to practice that work. Together, we help you make progress towards your most important goals with clarity and self-compassion.